Thank God it happened

Back in July of this year, there was a weekend that was highly anticipated in my life. I had a conversation I had anticipated for a year, My mother had graduation, I met Buddy Black (story coming in a later post) while looking at property I may build a house on one day, we threw my sister an awesome going away party (the baby is all grown up now), and to top it all off I was ordained that Sunday. It was going to be a weekend I would never forget no matter how any of it went. I referred to this weekend as turningpoint weekend. Everything went that weekend accept the conversation. It’s not that the conversation didn’t go well, or that we didn’t have a good time. It’s that I neglected to say what I rehearsed on my mind for weeks. Afterward I felt so terrible that I did the antithesis of what I believe and sent it all in a text message. 

I have been stuck on the result of that conversation since it happened. I had been numb, then I was angry, and frustrated. I just could not understand how I got here. I did everything to avoid being blackballed that I didn’t realized there was third option between acceptance and rejection, and it’s called silence. In some odd way I’d prefer anger over silence. I’ve spent months sulking over what it feels, I’ve lost. “Why would God afford me such joy and peace, to allow it to be snatched from me?!” I would ask. Tonight it became very clear, that I had been focused on what I had lost, that I forgot what I had. I forgot that the last year had been one of the best of my life. I forgot that it was year of firsts, and that the prayer I prayed for 9 years had been answered. Sure I never saw it playing out like this, but it happened. I lived pure bliss. 

So often we are so focused on what we lost that we forget what we have. We forget that memories are valuable, and that just because something ceases, for a moment doesn’t mean it’s ceasing for a lifetime. Thank God for what you have not for what you lost.